since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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