I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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