pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.