I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
