I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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