Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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