Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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