theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
