bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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