My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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