The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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