I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
