we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
