I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
