THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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