I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
