The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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