i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
