You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
