my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
