I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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