Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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