Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
