I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
