apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
