I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Randomize
