got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
