she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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