one might say we're banned from that church
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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