Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
