I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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