i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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