She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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