I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
