Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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