you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think people are normalizing furries
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
