Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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