I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
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I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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