First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
