i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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