see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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