Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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