Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
