If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
