Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
