so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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