He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
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I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.