Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
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No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
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No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had