I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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