This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
