I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
