So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
