two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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