I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
