Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
