I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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