I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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