I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
