Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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