It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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